So, this is the actual reason for my starting my own blog. I was rolling this over in my mind last night, but I have yet to come to a conclusion.
The Problem: The real problem is focus. When I was a teenager, I could focus on anything with a tunnel vision that let me finish any project I set my mind to. Over the years, this ability has deteriorated. Now, I am one of those people who is good at just about anything I try ... I write, I make jewelry, I sew, I paint, I create web graphics and design webpages, etc etc ... and if you can think of an artsy craftsy project, I probably have one that is half finished in my apartment. A half written novel, a planned, but unstarted painting, several half read books, even my webpage is less than half finished. When I was seventeen, I wrote a novel length story in one summer (it wasn't any good, but I managed to work on it until it was done).
The Solution: ? Sometimes I think that if I were to go back to school, I would have more time to focus on my projects ... maybe get some of them finished. Other times I think that I should just embrace my butterfly-esque nature, and hope that I will flit back to things and 'someday' they will all be finished. Still other times, I think that it was the structure of school that helped me to complete things ... couldn't do math in art class, so I had time to focus just on my art projects. If I could plan out my day with a little bit of time set aside for everything, then perhaps I would slowly manage to get everything done.
My biggest problem with these solutions is that I start to feel like I am always wasting time when I am not working on something, and thus, I never have any time for myself. In trying to force myself to finish my current novel, I spent nearly a year not reading anything because every time I picked up a book, I felt that I ought to be writing. This, of course, makes the project so undesirable that I end up not doing it anyway, and then nothing gets done, and I feel like I have just wasted more and more time, and not having any fun with the things that I love to do.
The last year or so I have been just putting artsy sorts of projects out of my mind and focusing fully on myself and my spirituality (not so much practise lately, but reading and learning about all the things I denied myself for so long) this however causes my creative juices to back up and the whole cycle starts over again ... the half finished projects ... guilt that leads to apathy ... the whole 'to hell with projects' attitude ... and on and on and on.
Sometimes I feel like I am caught in a loop that I will never escape, and however more I strive to be a focused worker ant, I think that I may have to accept that I will always be a butterfly. Maybe I just need to add some Ginko to my diet ... drink some green tea or something.
--Phae
----I still struggle with this from time to time. I think I have learned that it is best to embrace my nature. Nothing gets finished if I don't want to work on it. Though, it is also important to curb my flightiness so that I can actually accomplish things. I think it is a matter of balancing my elemental nature. More fire needed.----
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